Louder
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: After years of ignoring what was happening between them in their marriage Deeks and Callen finally sit down to talk. Part 15 of Deeks/Callen series.
1. Risk

Okay! It's finally time for the boys to sit down and have their conversation. One that has been building up since pretty much the beginning of the entire series. This is going to be filled with so many feels. Here's hoping most are good!

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

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Licking at his lips Callen stared at himself in the mirror wondering if he looked alright. Kensi had just taken the kids for a long weekend leaving he and Deeks alone so they could spend some time together without anything coming up. Something that wasn't as terrifying as it sounded.

They had both already decided that it would be for the best if they did something simple. A nice visit to the beach where they'd grab some tacos and hopefully talk about everything that had been going on.

Even with all of that in mind though it was going to be the first date that he and Deeks went on in… He couldn't even guess at what that date was. All he knew was that it had been far too long. There was a lot riding on what happened while they were out.

He felt almost exactly like he had the first time they went on a date. He could remember just how nervous he had been asking the man out. The knowledge that messing up the date would hurt the team had terrified him.

At the same time he had thought that he was going to mess it up and lose his chance to be with the younger man. It had always been a concern for him dating someone that also worked with him. There was just something about Deeks that made him want to take the risk.

Deeks had always been like that though. Even before they started to date it was a risk bringing him onto the team. A risk that Hetty had known would be worth it all in the end. It wasn't until later that Callen saw that as well.

When the younger man had first joined the team all of them had tried to get a read on him. He was somehow one of the nicest people that they had ever come across while being damn good at his job.

At the same time though he was a wild card. Randomly spewing out nonsense that they were barely able to keep up. Joking about anything and everything that he came across. Rarely sitting still and being quiet.

He was the kind of person that either drew people in or pushing them away. Callen had come across people like that before and for the most part didn't care. With Deeks though… It was something that he had found himself wanting to understand.

The longer the man stayed in his life the more he had wanted to figure him out. There had to be a story behind those ocean blue eyes and wide friendly smile. If he was going to be on the team like Hetty wanted than he had to find the person behind it all. That had been where all of it had started between the two of them.

With every new thing he discovered about the younger man he found himself simply wanting him. Not just in the romantic sense either. If he was honest he would have been content having him as a friend.

The more time they spent together though the more he realized one thing. There was nothing to lose and everything to gain from being with someone like him. It hadn't taken long after that before he asked the man out.

All of those feelings were rushing back to him as he stood there. So many things could go wrong and if they did… The idea of losing his husband broke his heart in a way that he couldn't quite explain even to himself. He loved Deeks so much.

Everything that had happened recently though let him know that it wasn't enough. How he hadn't realized that before was a mystery to him. It made so much sense thinking about it in the long run. Just like it made sense that things were as bad as they were now.

Wasn't that how it always worked though? No matter what came along it wasn't until it was so far in the past that there was nothing they could do about it that things became clear. It was always seemed impossible to see until it was too late.

Except it wasn't too far in the past. If it was than they wouldn't be going on their date. Would they? Sometimes it was hard to know if Deeks was doing something because he wanted to or because he felt as if he had to.

That was a trait of his that had been around since he first met the younger man though. This need to please everyone around him. It was a habit that he tried to break more than a few times, but it always came back.

The thought was one that had been swirling around in his brain a lot recently. The both of them knew exactly what could happen if they didn't get back what they once had. It was something that they both wanted to avoid.

A sigh fell from his lips as he ran a hand over his face. A part of him wondered if maybe it wasn't a good idea to just jump into going on a date. There was so much that they needed to talk about that it felt almost like they were avoiding it in a way.

It wasn't something that they could half-ass and hope for the best. The best had gotten them where they were now and where they was close to falling apart completely. There was no reason for either of them to even try if they both weren't willing to give a hundred.

Callen had no clue how long he had been standing there his thoughts running in circles before a hand came to rest on his shoulder. Blinking a few times to clear his vision he looked at the mirror and saw Deeks staring at him with that confused, worried look that used to be on his face all the time.

"Are you okay?" Deeks signed his eyes darting between the mirror and him.

There were so many things going through his mind that Callen could answer that with, but at the moment words seemed to fail him. He had always been better with action than he was with words anyway.

Turning around to face his husband Callen reached out and placed a hand on his cheek. It was a movement that he used to do a lot at one point in their relationship. A movement that grounded them both in what was happening right then.

The feeling of Deeks scruff against his skin sent a shiver up his spine that he hadn't felt in awhile. Hell, he could barely remember the last time they had even been in this position. How could they even have gotten to the point where something a simple as a touch was foreign to them?

He could still remember being right where he was. touching Deeks in the exact way before he pulled the younger man into a kiss. The feeling of his scruff grazing across his skin as the kiss brought smiles to both of their lips.

Right after the kiss broke the younger man would always then tilt his head to the side kissing the inside of his wrist. Callen had always loved when Deeks did that. It was such a simple move, but he always felt the love coming from him.

It didn't feel anything like that anymore. Yes, the worry still played in the mans eyes and he knew that he wasn't faking the emotion, but everything else had changed. All the warmth and love that he had always felt was gone.

Callen felt his breath catch in his throat as the realization fully hit him. The knowledge of how much had actually changed… Even though he had known that it had been missing for awhile knowing it and seeing it was vastly different.

Pulling away from the hold he let out a shaky breath as he took a few steps away and dropped on to the bed his chin on his chest. With everything that was suddenly hitting him he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to feel.

If he was honest at that point he wasn't even really sure that he wanted to go through the date anymore. It wasn't that he didn't want to try to fix everything between them, but he felt a little hopeless at the moment.

At the very beginning of their relationship he had truly thought that he and Deeks were going to be good together. It's why he had risked everything to be with the man. Now the one person he shared his heart was felt like a complete stranger when they touched.

If they had lost something that was not only so quintessential them but was frankly simple than was there really a point in even attempting to try? They had fallen so far and that had to mean something. Didn't it?

Feeling a hand rest on his knee Callen looked up and saw the younger man kneeling in front of him. A small part of him wanted nothing more than to pull away and stop the conversation before it even started. Instead he forced himself to not move.

"What's wrong?" Deeks signed staring him in the eye.

"Do you think it's too late?" Callen replied hating himself for telling the man his fears, "That we're too late?"

In that moment Callen wanted nothing more than to have the younger man attempt to soothe his worries. It didn't matter to him that it could all be a lie. He needed to have his husband assure him that they were doing the right thing. Instead Deeks eyes fell to the floor as if he was searching for something, anything, to say.

"I don't know," Deeks offered before lifting his head, "But I'm not ready to give up yet. Are you?"

Seeing both hope and determination in the blue eyes Callen felt a smile tug on his lips. He had been so certain that there was nothing the man could say that would make him feel better. That they were doomed before they even started.

And maybe they were doomed, but neither of them could actually know that until they tried to fix it. He loved Deeks far too much to just sit there and watch him walk out of his life as if he was no one.

With a nod of his head he took his husbands hands in his and forced the two of them to stand up. In any other situation he would have leaned forward to press a kiss to the mans lips, but something told him that it was too much too soon.

Motioning to the door he watched Deeks grab his jacket before starting to leave the room. He only got a few steps before turning back around and holding his hand out. Linking their hands together he let his husband lead the two of them out of the house and to the car more than ready for what happened next.


	2. Question

Are we ready for the conversation of a life time?! Because I'm not sure I am. Here's hoping I don't write a lot more pain before we're done!

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

* * *

Leaning against a small rock formation Deeks stared out at the ocean watching the waves glistening in the sunlight as they swept across the sand. It was a sight that he had seen a thousand times and yet never failed to bring a smile to his lips.

There had been a time in his life when he would go to the beach at least once a day, sometimes more if he could get away with it. He'd just sit there watching the waves forgetting about how much ugliness he had seen that day. It never failed to bring a sense of peace to his mind.

It was something that he had learned to appreciate when he was a kid. The knowledge that no matter what happened with his parents he'd always have the beach had gotten him through some scary times back then.

He could still remember dodging punches and hate-filled words as he ran to the only safe place he had known at the time. When he could feel the sand beneath his feet, see the water go for miles, taste the salt on his tongue, he knew nothing could hurt him.

As he grew up it became his retreat away from the horrors that he had seen the day. For just a moment it was as if the blood and anger washed away and there was nothing else. It was peace and safety as far as the eye could see.

It was also something that he hadn't done in awhile. It wasn't as if he hadn't been to the beach. That was still something that he did as often as he possibly could. It was just that it was more of a family thing now.

He had been the one to teach both Isabelle and Wesley to swim. He was even teaching them both how to surf. Which was a lot of fun and he truly loved every second of it. There was nothing like sharing that part of his life with them.

It was just nothing like what he was used to doing either. When he was with the kids he never had a moment where he could clear his mind and just be. He had to be watching them to make sure that no one was close to dying or burning or disappearing or…

At some point in time he knew that he was aware that kids could find trouble and danger in every situation. It was a never ending train of him just wondering what was going to go wrong that day. So, so much worry. It was tiring.

At the moment in time though he didn't have to think like that. The kids were spending the next few days with Kensi leaving him and Callen alone. All alone. Well, alone together. He wasn't sure why that sent a wave of fear through him but it did.

Alright, so he knew exactly why that fear was there. He just didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to enjoy the peace and calm for one moment. Just one moment where he got to be himself instead of 'Dad'.

Which he knew was a part of the problem. It had been a long time since he did something for himself and even longer since he did something for his husband. It just seemed impossible to have to the time to do all of it and the kids needed him.

Closing his eyes he dropped his head back so he could feel the sun warm his face. Callen was going to be back at any moment with the tacos and he would have to face the world around him once more. That could wait another moment though.

Taking a series of slow, deep breaths he let himself fully relax as the warmth filled him. The smile grew on his lips as he buried his fingers and feet into the sand letting himself be surrounded by the feeling.

In the back of his mind he remembered every other time he had been in that very position. He couldn't count the amount of times he ended up falling asleep exactly like that. It wasn't the most comfortable, but he despite being out in the open he never felt more safe. Even when the world was crashing down around him.

Closing his eyes he laid there letting his mind run wherever it pleased. At least he tried to. For some reason he couldn't think of anything to think of. That didn't make any sense. Yet it was very much not the first time it had happened.

He didn't know exactly how to explain it. It wasn't as if he wasn't thinking. There was almost always something that needed his attention. It was just when he stopped to breathe and try to figure things out that his mind stopped.

Not really wanting to try to figure that out at the moment Deeks let out a sigh and sat up fully waiting for his eyes to readjust. The slightly cloudy blue sky slowly came into view only to be obscured by a bag appearing in front of him.

Blinking a few times he looked up and saw Callen smiling down at him the sun lighting behind him almost like a halo. He looked absolutely beautiful and he couldn't remember the last time he had thought of his husband that way.

Once upon a time that had been his first thought whenever his eyes happened upon the older man. That and how lucky he was to have someone as wonderful and strong as G Callen in his life. And he was lucky.

Ever since the man had first entered his life Deeks had been in awe of him. There weren't many people out there that could go through what he went through and still come out as a good person. Hell, he had seen people got dark side for a lot less.

It was something that he always looked up to in the man. Though now that he was thinking about it he wasn't sure that he had ever told his husband that he felt that way. It wasn't really ever something that they talked about.

Suddenly Callen dropped to his knees leaving him blinded once more. With a shake of his head he looked back at the man only to see a worried look on his face. That was very much not something that he missed. He had always hated having that look in his direction.

Sadly, it was also one that he was used to getting. Any time people found out that he was deaf their first reaction was to look at him with worry and pity. Like he was puppy abandoned in the middle of the road for dead.

"Are you okay?" Callen signed after putting the food down.

"Yeah," Deeks replied instantly an all too fake his smile coming to his lips.

Callen looked as if he wanted to argue with him about that, but instead he nodded his head and moved so he was sitting next to him staring out at the ocean. Deeks felt himself deflate slightly though he didn't know what he was expecting to happen.

There had been a time when Callen would never let him get away with something like that. If something was bothering either of them than they talked about it. At least they confronted the other so they both knew something was wrong. In that moment, a part of him wished that the man had pushed him to get some answers.

It wasn't that he wanted to start a fight, in truth that was the last thing he wanted, but at the same time it felt as if the man was always holding back with him. Callen had always been the one to say that he could do more than what he was doing.

For awhile after he lost his hearing everyone held back with him and he had understood that. Hell, he had held back too. It was completely understandable. It was also understandable that it eventually stopped happening.

Well, it stopped happening with everyone other than his husband. There were points in time when Deeks was sure that Callen was finally starting to see him for who he was instead of someone that needed to be protected. That never lasted long though.

As soon as whatever situation they happened to have found themselves in was over it was as if the man completely forgot everything that had just happened. Deeks was back to being someone that had to be taken care of instead of the adult he was. Something that never failed to piss him off in the worst kind of way.

Like so many times before he forced himself to take a deep breath to hold back the anger that surged in him. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight when they were meant to be talking. Which was going to happen. Eventually.

Tapping his finger against his leg Deeks tried to force himself to look out at the ocean waiting to see what the other man would do. It wasn't long though before he found his attention being pulled back to Callen wondering what he was thinking.

He looked so calm. At least he thought he looked calm. There had been a point in time when he could read the man at a glance. It was something that had taken a long time to master, but he had been proud of that fact.

He loved knowing that he knew someone well enough that he could look at them and know what was going on with them. That was only made all the more when it was Callen he had learned how to read.

The man was easily one of the most closed off people he knew. Even to to people that he was close with he had a tendency to build a wall between them. He had been so used to being alone and having to protect himself it was second nature.

At least he had been able to do that at one point in time. Deeks couldn't say when he stopped doing that or when he stopped caring that he couldn't read his husband. All he knew was sitting there he felt lost.

Sighing he dropped his head to his chest trying to hide how brokenhearted he felt. It was clear in that moment just how far their relationship had fallen. Once upon a time he had thought they had the type of relationship that was going to last.

Now they were sitting on the beach trying to figure out a way to get back to where they could even function. At least they were supposed to be doing that. The longer they sat there though the more he began to question if they were just biding time until the kids came back home.

As much as he hated to admit it the longer that they sat there the more he began to wonder if maybe Callen had been right. After everything they had been through together it was possible that they might not be destined to stay together.

When they were at the house he had wanted nothing more than to be able to reassure the man that things were going to be fine. That was what the two of them had always done though. They always put on a brave face and tried to survive.

Swallowing roughly he turned so he was fully facing the older man. For a moment he simply sat there watching his husband trying to figure out what he wanted to say. The longer he stayed there the more he wanted to forget what they were supposed to be doing.

With the knowledge that they wouldn't talk if they didn't start soon he reached out and brushed his fingers against Callen's forearm drawing them away again almost instantly. Sky blue eyes turned to him a moment later.

Callen stared at him before turning to him as well a barely there smile tugging on his lips as he got comfortable. Deeks could see the emotions swirling in the mans eyes, but he couldn't begin to figure out what he was thinking.

"Ready to eat?" Callen signed his eyes going to the bag.

"No," Deeks forced himself to reply though all he wanted to do was give in and pretend, "We should..."

"Talk?"

"Yeah."

Even with all of that said neither of them went any further in the conversation. A part of him knew that they were both holding back what was going on in their minds, but there was almost too much there to know where to start.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" Callen offered after a moment.

"No. Yes. I don't know anymore," Deeks sighed feeling himself deflate.

"Hey, we'll figure it out. We have time."

"Do we? Look where time has gotten us, Callen. We always push this off."

"Not this time. We just have to start talking."

"Okay. How?"

Callen lifted his hands as if he was going to sign something else only for them to fall after a second. Shaking his head Deeks ran a hand through his hair. In that moment he wondered if it wouldn't be for the best for him to stand up and walk away.

It wasn't as if they were getting anywhere. It almost felt as if they were just pushing off something that should have happened a long time ago. Then he felt a hand touch his making him lift his head.

"I'm sorry," Callen signed once they were looking at each other, "I don't know how to talk about any of this. I don't know how any of this happened."

"Neither do I," Deeks admitted shaking his head.

"I do know where to start though."

"Where?"

"With the one question neither of us want to ask. Should we try to fix this or do we end it? End us?"


	3. Sight

I know it's a little on the weird side to keep jumping back and forth between the two of them for one conversation, but I felt like it was important to see how their thoughts were similar in some cases and different in others. It's easy to say you're on the same page, but difficult to actually be there.

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

* * *

Callen felt as if his entire body was vibrating as he waited for his husband to say something, anything. In that moment it felt as if something was pushing at his chest making it harder and harder for his heart to even beat as the seconds past.

He knew that he couldn't have uttered the question more than a few seconds previous. A question that had been on his mind for longer than he liked to admit. A question that he wished with everything he was that he could take back. The silence between them seemed almost painful though.

A part of him couldn't help but wonder if that was answer enough. If Deeks wanted to try to fix what had become of their marriage than shouldn't he have already objected? Shouldn't it have been an easy question to answer?

Even as he thought that though he knew that it was far from the truth. It wasn't as if he could really answer either anyway. After all the times he questioned what they went through he was no closer to figuring any of it out than before.

All of his life he had found himself questioning everything that went on around him. He did whatever he needed to do to get the answers and keep himself in a relatively safe position. That was all he ever wanted. To be safe.

When he and Deeks started to date that was exactly how he felt. There was just an air of warmth and kindness that came from the younger man that it was impossible not to let it fill you whenever he was around.

That was something that had confused the living daylights out of Callen when he first met the man. It was almost impossible to come across someone that had been in their line of work that still mostly had faith in humanity.

That was exactly what Deeks had though. The younger man saw the world in a much better light than practically anyone Callen had ever met. It wasn't that he didn't think that people could do the right thing for the sake of the doing the right thing. He just figured that people would take care of themselves before they took care of others.

Deeks was different though. It wasn't as if he was delusional by any means. He knew exactly the kind of evil that people were capable of doing. He had seen enough to know how dangerous a person could be when they thought they had no other choice.

Somehow he still had faith that if given the chance the majority of people would try to do the right thing. He loved that part of Deeks almost as much as he hated it. It was never fun to see someone you love set themselves up for heartbreak.

For awhile Callen had actually tried to get the younger man to see that he needed to change that habit before it hurt him to harshly to fix. Deeks had always laughed at him before walking away as if nothing had happened.

It wasn't until he saw Deeks trying to talk down a kid that was holding a gun to the head of a man that had killed his mother. Throughout the case all of them had tried to stop the kid before he got to that point. None of them had succeeded.

Slowly all of them had lost hope that the case would end in anything but arresting the kid for murder. Everyone except for Deeks. He fought as hard as he could to the point that Callen had wondered if it wouldn't be the best to remove him from the case.

In the end it was a good thing that he didn't. Deeks was the only person that had been able to get through to the kid. It had taken longer than any of them were comfortable with, but in the end there was no blood shed.

Every time he thought about that story he knew that it should have filled him with hope and love for his husband. Instead he was always terrified. If Deeks hadn't been able to talk the kid down than he would have cared that heartache for the rest of his life.

That wasn't something that was easy to come back from. It was the type of heartbreak that stayed and he couldn't save the younger man from that type of thing. He couldn't save Deeks from himself.

Callen had spent a lot of time before they started to and while they were dating trying to fight the urge to get angry and yell. He knew that Deeks was the person he was and he wasn't going to change that, but he wanted so badly to protect the man.

That was what he always had done though. He protected. Even without thinking about it he put himself in the position so he was the one that took care of everyone else. He didn't even try to question it. That was who he was.

It wasn't as if he thought that the younger man was weak and couldn't take care of himself. The opposite of that was true. Deeks was by far one of the strongest people that he knew Especially when it came to his heart. He just wanted the man safe.

That was one of the reasons that the question kept running through his mind. Was Deeks really safe in the situation that they were in now? Or, was it possible, that he was just a little too safe for his own good?

All of his life Callen had been searching for a family and home to call his own. The idea of having a place where he felt like he belonged was always the dream that he kept int the back of his head whenever he did anything.

Which he had finally gotten. Thanks to his team and Deeks he had everything that he had ever dreamed about. Yes, it took a lot longer than he liked to think about to realize that, but once he did he stopped running.

Ever since he had started to actually stay at the house with his family instead of stopping by every once in awhile he saw all that was in his hands. Everything that he had ever wanted was right there waiting for him and he loved the fact that he had a place that he could truly say he belonged.

At the same time though he hadn't realized how empty that feeling could be. Yes, he knew that he had a place to call his own and a pair of kids that loved him. He had everything that he had ever wanted. It was a good feeling that never failed to bring a smile to his lips.

He loved the his children more than he ever thought was possible. The only person that had even come close to how he felt with them was Deeks. The younger man had been the one that showed him how good things could be if one opened their heart just a little.

None of that made it any easier to admit that having what he had always wanted felt nothing like what he thought it would. It wasn't as if he hated what he had. It simply wasn't what he had thought it would be. Nothing was.

He loved his kids with everything that he was and nothing was going to change that. He still loved Deeks as well. The more time that passed though the more he wondered if he still loved Deeks or if he loved the man he used to be.

Feeling a hand rest on his wrist he let the thoughts rushing through his head fade away before looking at the younger man. The ocean blue eyes that always seemed to be filled with happiness and love looked so sad. So brokenheartedly sad. Without a second thought Callen reached out to wrap an arm around Deeks shoulders pulling him close so his head was resting on his chest.

"Please don't leave me," Deeks pleaded out loud his hands fisting in the back of his shirt.

Closing his eyes Callen wrapped himself as tightly around his husband as if he was trying to protect him. Swaying softly like he would if he was comforting one of his kids he forced himself to ignore the tears soaking into his clothes and the ones filling his eyes.

He had no idea how long they had been sitting there before Deeks pulled away so they were staring into each others eyes. It had been so long since he had seen his husband cry. The swollen and red eyes cut into his heart as tears continued to slowly stream down his face. With a sad smile he reached up to brush the tears away hating the way his husband shook as he took a deep breath.

Callen started to pull his hands away not sure exactly what he wanted to say but needing to say something. All the words seemed to escape him though as he saw the mans eyes dart down to his lips before moving back to his eyes. A voice in the back of his head yelled that it was a bad idea yet he still found himself leaning forward.

Deeks seemed to have the same idea leaning forward meeting him halfway. Sighing softly he placed a hand on the side of the young mans face tilting his head to the side letting himself simply feel the mans lips against his own. He forgot how much he loved it.

Even with that thought in his mind though he found himself pulling away. As much as he loved the feeling he knew that it wouldn't help either of them in the long run. If they ended up getting lost in what they were feeling and not in actually talking than nothing was ever going to get better.

Pulling away he forced some space between them. Deeks blinked a few times before licking his lips and running a hand through his hair. All he wanted to do was pull the man back to him, but instead he moved so they were face to face.

"Sorry," Deeks signed before Callen could think of anything to say.

"For what?" he replied his lips curling up a little, "Kissing me? I'm not going to complain about that."

With a shake of his head Deeks reached out pushing him slightly. Smiling at the movement Callen couldn't help but be reminded of how they had acted when they were first dating. He had always loved how playful the younger man was.

Alright so he hadn't always loved that side of Deeks. For awhile it had been something that annoyed him. Like with everything else that came with his husband he found himself falling deeper and deeper in love.

"I don't want to lose you, Callen," Deeks offered after a moment.

"I don't want that either," Callen replied instantly before sagging slightly, "but can we keep doing this? Can we keep going through the motions without actually thinking about it? How is that fair to either of us? How is that fair to the kids?"

It was easy to see that Deeks wanted to argue with what Callen was saying, but all too soon was the familiar sight of his shoulders sagging as the fight slipped away. He hated more than anything that he had come to expect to see that.

"Do you really think that?" Deeks signed his hands shaking slightly.

"I don't want it to be true, but looking back on everything," Callen responded his eyes dropping to the sand for a moment, "I don't know how we got to where we are, but we're not okay. We haven't been for awhile. Both of us have just been ignoring it and hoping it would go away or work itself out and I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hurting you."

Callen watched as Deeks started to reach out for him as if he wanted to comfort him. Before he got close though his hand fell to the sand his fingers curling into a fist. It took all of his willpower not to take the mans hand in his own.

As much as he wanted to touch his husband, to reassure him that they were going to be fine he couldn't. It would have just continued the cycle that he wanted broken. They had spent too much time trying not to cause each other any pain that they hadn't realized just how far they were falling.

It was hard to believe that them trying to provide comfort could have hurt them so much. He hadn't even really realized that he was doing it. It was something that he had always done. Anything to wipe the pained look off the face of the man he loved. Yet it was a problem.

All of their time together over the last few years had been them bouncing off each other without thinking about what was going on. They no longer stopped to think about what was really being said. It was simply reacting. They just kept agreeing with each other about things that they never discussed.

"I think we need to talk about it," Callen offered hating every word he was signing, "You know how much I hate sitting and talking about feelings, but don't we owe it to ourselves and each other?"

"I don't…" Deeks tried to start before squirming so he was sitting up straighter, "Okay. Do you remember when we first met Arlo?"

Without thought Callen felt his jaw clench. He knew that Turk was a good man and that nothing was going on between the two of them, but it was clear to everyone that Deeks and Turk had liked each other. Who knows what would have happened if he wasn't there.

"Wipe that look from your face," Deeks signed rolling his eyes, "I'm not going to confess my undying love for the man."

"He did like you," Callen shrugged trying not to show how much it bothered him, "And you did seem comfortable around him."

"I'm with you, G. I would never cheat."

"I know you wouldn't cheat on me. I know that. What if we weren't though? What if we weren't together? You and he could be good."

"He's not you. That's what I'm trying to say. Yes, it was nice to have someone look at me like that. It was nice for someone to see me. I wasn't a father or someone that lost their hearing or a lawyer or anything like that. I was just me. Do you know how long it's been since I've just been me? Do you know how long it's been since I felt like a person? A real person?"

It took a moment for everything that Deeks was saying to hit him. Every single word that he signed broke his heart yet cleared up the picture so much. Having the younger man actually start to explain what he was feeling was more than he had imagined.

"I'm sorry," Callen responded licking at his lips, "I'm so sorry that I…"

"No," Deeks cut him off angrily, "Stop trying to make this about something you did. You didn't do this. I did. I did this to myself. I broke me!"


	4. Face

And we're finally getting somewhere in the conversation! It only took a few chapters. My goodness! Aren't we all excited about this? Let's hope the boys can get through this in one piece.

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

* * *

Deeks felt as if his entire body was shaking so badly it was about to fall apart. An almost overwhelming need to move crashed over him causing him to climb to his feet and turn away from his husband.

There was a small part of him that wanted nothing more than to take off running down the beach. It wasn't like him to want to run away from something that scared him though. At least it wasn't like the person he used to be.

He had been running away from so many things for so long. Running and hiding had become such a part of him that it felt like second nature at that point. Something that had obviously become so bad that it was hurting his marriage.

Not that Callen ever wanted to admit that. It didn't seem to matter that it wasn't the first time that he had told the other man that exact thing. He never actually believed what he was trying to tell him.

Except this time… This time it felt different than before. Deeks had no words to try to explain why it felt so different than how the conversation normally went. All he knew was that he felt like he was being heard.

For the longest time there had been so many things that he had wanted to say. As much as he hated to admit it he never quite got used to not telling someone every single thing that came into his mind. He just stopped when he lost his hearing.

It didn't seem to matter though. Every time he tried to explain himself lately it felt like nothing was being said. With everything that he wanted, needed, to say all of his thoughts came out jumbled and nothing like what he meant. All he wanted to do was have someone listen to what was going on in his mind. How could anyone understand if he couldn't even say something that made any sense?

They were supposed to be telling each other all of the things that had been bothering them and he couldn't. He couldn't even find the right words to express what what going on in his mind. He was completely useless.

Forcing himself to take a shaky breath to swallow back his tears Deeks turned back to Callen. He didn't know what he was expecting, but seeing the sky blue eyes that always made him feel safe and protected filled with pure and utter anguish was not it.

"I'm sorry," Deeks signed taking a jerky step back, "I'm sorry."

He wasn't able to make it more than a few steps before the older man was standing up and wrapping his hands on his forearms stopping him. Closing his eyes he stood there shaking his head not wanting to see just how badly he was hurting the other man. Not wanting to see how he had failed.

Strong yet gentle fingers gripped his chin pulling his head up but still he kept his eyes shut tight. For a moment they stood there then he felt a barely there kiss being pressed to one eyelid and than the other. Letting out a shaky breath he let his eyes flutter open. Callen gave him a small smile pulling away slightly but not stepping back.

"You're not broken, Sunshine," Callen signed as soon as his attention was on the older man.

"Callen," Deeks tried to start only to stop when the mans eyes narrowed into a glare.

"No, no excuses. Tell me how you could possibly think you're broken."

"How can you not see?"

"Because obviously we're not looking at the same person. You know Marty Deeks. One of the strongest people I've ever met. The man that wouldn't even question sacrificing himself for anyone he thought needed help. The man that always has a smile to give to the people he came across. The man that drives me up a wall half the time. The man that I fall more and more in love with every day. That's who I'm talking about. What about you? Who are you talking about?"

With every words that Callen signed Deeks felt his eyes grow wider and wider. While he had never doubted that his husband loved him the man had never said something like that to him. He had never tried to explain what he loved about him.

"What if..." Deeks started hating how weak he felt, "What if I'm not me anymore?"

He couldn't even begin to explain the fear that infested him every time he questioned that. No matter how hard he tried it felt as if every single time he came even remotely close to feeling like himself again the rug was pulled out from under him.

He had tried so hard to find out the person that he was after he lost his hearing and everything had changed. He just wanted to feel like a person again. Not just for himself either, but for his family. They needed him to be strong. They needed him whole. Yet he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried he failed.

"Deeks," Callen started a rueful smile coming to his lips, "I… I really wish I can say I've never thought the same thing."

The world seemed to come to a stop as the words slowly sunk in. It felt like he had been sucker-punched. In that moment it didn't matter that the very same thoughts had been running in his mind for years. It mattered that his husband felt the same way.

Knowing that the man thought he had changed felt more earth shattering than it had any right to. Callen was supposed to… He didn't actually know if there was a way to finish that sentence. All he knew was that it meant something more coming from him.

"I can't though," Callen continued after a moment unaware of how torn Deeks felt, "I've thought it more than I probably should. I mean, no one can say that you're like the person you used to be. The man that you were when we got married."

Every word that the older man signed sent waves of despair crashing through him. His mind was filled with static as the words broke through all the barriers that he had put around himself over the years.

Having the knowledge that his husband had spent so much time thinking about the man that he used to be… He couldn't help feeling even worse about himself. Even worse about the situation they found themselves in.

"You aren't the man you used to be," Callen kept going, "Is that really a bad thing?"

Shaking his head Deeks wrapped his arms around himself starting to move away once more only to stop when Callen gripping the back of his head and dragging him into a desperate kiss. There was no other way to describe it other than that.

He knew that he could easily break the hold. If he wanted to he could walk away from Callen and he knew that the man would let him go. Even knowing that though he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

For the same reason that he hadn't been able to pull away from the man before. It didn't matter how much time had passed he loved the older man with everything that he was. If he had a choice in the matter than he wasn't going to walk away.

Unwinding his arms from around his middle Deeks placed them on his lovers stomach curling his fingers into the fabric of his shirt and holding on. There was an edge of something to the kiss that had his heart pounding painfully in his chest.

Slowly Callen pulled away from the kiss and took a few steps back. The space between them wasn't that far yet Deeks felt as if there was miles keeping them apart. Miles that they themselves had built.

"Maybe it's time to stop," Callen signed when he finally came to a stop.

"What?" Deeks questioned hating how scared he felt, "Stop?"

"No, Sunshine, not us. Not stop us. I never want to stop being with you. I meant stop trying so hard to be those people. We aren't them. We haven't been them for a long time and look how miserable we've been."

Deeks felt like he had missed something as he tried to figure out what the other man was saying. He could understand what Callen was saying, but there was something being said that was just going over his head. It wasn't a feeling that he was used to feeling and he hated not knowing what was going on.

"Callen," Deeks tried to start only to have words fail him.

"I'm so tired of thinking I have to be Agent G Callen," the man continued not noticing that Deeks wasn't following, "That I have to-"

"Wait. You… You don't have be Agent G Callen."

"Yeah and you don't have to try to be Detective Marty Deeks."

Shaking his head quickly Deeks turned away from his husband trying to get his thoughts in order. He just needed a moment to figure out what the hell was happening. It made absolutely no sense no matter how many times he turned it over in his mind.

He knew that it hadn't been easy for the older man to leave NCIS, but it never occurred to him that there was more to it than that. In his mind if it wasn't something that Callen had truly wanted to do than he wouldn't have done it. Right?

Except now that he was thinking about it that wasn't right. Callen had felt as if he had to leave because he wasn't there for his family. He was missing out on being a father to his children and the only way to change that in his mind had been to leave the force.

It wasn't exactly the same as what happened with Deeks, but it had ended with the same result. They both had been forced to leave their jobs for one reason or another. Reasons that made it impossible to ever go back.

How was it he had never seen that? How was it possible that he could just see that there was a problem without knowing what the hell was actually happening? How could he not see just how much his husband was suffering? How could he not see that the man he loved was suffering the same way?

The thing that got him the most though was that he hadn't thought of the man as Agent G Callen in a long time. That wasn't the man that he was in Deeks eyes anymore and he had no idea when that happened.

"G," Deeks signed before forcing himself to take a deep breath and standing up straighter, "I didn't know that you felt that way. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you needed me to be there for you. You needed to be that man. I-"

Shaking his head quickly Deeks reached out to cup his husbands face and pressed their lips together. He pulled back before Callen could kiss back. Smiling softly he ran his thumb over his lovers face caressing his lips as he took a deep breath and stepped back.

"I love you," Deeks offered his lips pulling into a wide smile, "I love you so much, G."

"I love you too," Callen replied instantly looking confused, "What just happened?"

"I haven't thought of you as Agent G Callen in years. It just stopped being a thing. Yes, I was worried that you'd get bored and go back to work, but I didn't fall in love with the agent version of you. I mean, yeah, he was damn good at his job, but he could be a bit of an asshole."

"Hey!"

"You know I'm right. You had to be sometimes to be as good at the job as you were. I didn't fall for him though. I fell for you. I fell in love with G Callen."

Tears glistened in the older mans eyes as he nodded his head smiling himself. For the first time he knew that the tears weren't brought on by heartache. He was happy. They were both happy with what was happening.

"And I fell in love with Marty Deeks. Yes, you were a detective at the time and yes that was a big part of who you were, but that wasn't who I fell in love with either. I just love you, Sunshine. I always have. I always will."


	5. Calm

The ending is here and our boys are okay! I really liked this story. Having the two of them just talk was a lot more fun to write than I thought it would be. I hope you all enjoyed it as well! Tell me what you think!

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Don't have just yet, but keep a look out as they'll pop up eventually.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook 'SilverMidnight52' or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

* * *

Feeling more nervous than he needed Callen wrapped his arms around his husband pulling him into a tight hug. He couldn't help the rush of happiness he felt as Deeks relaxed into the hold his own arms coming up to wrap around the older mans waist as his head rested on his chest.

Letting his eyes slip shut he rested his head on the mess of curly blond hair and took a deep breath. The smell of coffee and sea salt and something he could only describe as warmth filled him as his arms tightened around the mans body.

It felt as if it had been years since either of them had felt so calm and at ease with each other. Something that was hard to think about. When they first got together he had had to get used to dating someone that was much more touchy than he was.

Deeks was good at keeping it out of the workplace and he need pushed to far when it was obvious that Callen was uncomfortable, but he liked to constantly be touching. It had quickly become something that he sought after himself.

He couldn't figure out exactly when they got to the point of ignoring that. There were just some things that he doubted he would ever be able to figure out when it came to them. As time went on it seemed as if they had simply lost parts of their relationship somewhere along the way.

He wasn't completely sure that it mattered either. Did they really need to know when everything started to go down hill as long as they figured out why it happened? The when couldn't really be all that important in the long run.

Mostly because he doubted that they'd ever really be able to figure it out. It would be easy to say that it all started when Deeks lost his hearing, but was the right? It could just as easily be something that neither of them were thinking about.

For longer than he liked to admit there had been something hanging over them. It had wrapped around their necks pulling them down until they had felt like they could barely move. Barely breathe. Unnoticed until they were almost on the floor.

If he was honest a small part of him had started to hate all of it. Well, not all of it. He doubted that there would be anything that ever made him hate either his husband or his kids. He loved the three of them too much. They were a part of his heart and the thought of ever losing them was like losing a part of himself.

No, what he hated was deeper than that. It was like the place he had worked so hard to make safe for his family was being corrupted from the inside out. Almost as if he was the one that was hurting them the most.

Maybe that was part of the problem. All of them had gotten so used to having that always around them, hanging over their heads, that they were barely noticing it at all anymore. It was just a normal part of their lives.

It was also something that shaped a lot of their interactions. Both with each other and with Isabelle and Wesley. He couldn't even pinpoint a singular event, but he knew for a fact that things were going to be different after this.

What he wasn't sure about was whether or not that would be a good or bad thing. Would the change be worth it? Would they even notice that things were being done differently? Or would their lives go on as normal until they weren't anymore?

Callen could remember how the two of them used to be before Deeks lost his hearing. He could easily say that they had both changed a lot. Thinking back on it though he could see how that change started when they were talking about having kids.

It was subtle and he couldn't say for sure what had exactly had changed, but there was one. It was almost as if they calmed down. Almost like they were trying to be what their child needed even before they had a child.

The more he thought about it though the more he wondered if they would have always ended up where they were. Even without Deeks losing his hearing one of them would have had to stop working in the field. If he was honest it still probably would have been the younger man and not him.

While their careers had always been important to the both of them Callen knew that it was a little different for him. The only thing that he had ever really known and cared about had been working as an undercover agent. That was pretty much his entire life. As much as he hated to admit it he knew that outside of that he didn't have anything. His life was his job.

Deeks wasn't like him. Yes, he loved it and he was damn good, but he had other things to do when he wasn't at work. He had other skills. He could have done anything that he wanted to do and he would have been just as good and just as happy.

Without his job Callen had always thought that he was pretty worthless. It wasn't as if there was really anything else he could have done with the set of skills he had. He was either a cop or he was a criminal. There was no in-between.

At least that had been his thought process for a long time. Even after he and Deeks got together and started a family he thought that all of his worth was tied up in being an agent. There was nothing else for him.

It wasn't until it was thrown in his face how little he was contributing to his family that he actually stopped and realized how wrong he was. It had been a truly eye opening experience that made it clear that he hadn't been close to being the man that he needed to be for his husband and children.

Blinking a few times Callen slowly pulled away from the hold and took a good look at his husband. He looked so much younger than he had a moment ago. The tightness around his eyes was gone. His smile wide and warm. The ocean blue eyes so much lighter. It was a good look on him.

"Deeks," Callen signed knowing he was going to ruin that and hating himself, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Deeks replied giving him a confused look.

"For not being what you and the kids needed."

"G-"

"No, please, let me… I need to say this."

Deeks started at him for a moment looking as if he was going to try to argue. Then a soft sigh fell from his lips as he practically deflated his hand coming up to give him a slight wave. Seeing how down he looked a part of Callen wanted nothing more than to say never mind, but he couldn't.

For the first time since the conversation started Callen found himself wanting to talk. Well, not actually _wanting _to talk. He wanted to get everything out in the open though. Which was exactly what he was going to do. One way or another.

"For our entire relationship you have always been there for me," Callen finally started giving him a sad smile, "You gave me everything that I needed and things I hadn't imagined needing. You never wavered or questioned our relationship. You were my rock when I was terrified that everything was falling down around me. You did everything you could to give me the things I hadn't thought I deserved. And… I didn't do that for you. I-"

He had barely finished his sentence before Deeks was lifting his hands as if he was going to argue. With a slight shake of his head Callen stopped talking and reached out taking a hold of his hands. Lifting them up he placed a kiss to the mans knuckles before placing them down at his side.

"I wasn't there for you, Sunshine," Callen repeated once more, "You needed me. Isabelle needed me. Wesley needed me. I failed. I didn't realize everything that I had until I almost lost you."

Looking down Callen shook his head a broken laugh falling from his lips. He couldn't believe just how close he came to losing everything without even realizing it. Hell, he had been halfway around the world at the time.

When he got the phone call from Wesley his entire world had stopped. He still remembered how broken his little boy sounded as he begged for his Papa to come home and help save his Daddy. A part of him still hated himself for ever putting his boy in that position.

For a moment he stood there trying to think of what he wanted to say. There were so many things that he felt as if he needed to apologize for. So many things he needed to know Deeks didn't hold against him anymore.

Before any of them could be verbalized though a finger rested on his chin lifting it up so he was eye to eye with his husband once more. A soft smile was on Deeks lips as he leaned forward pressing their foreheads together his eyes fluttering closed.

A shaky breath slipped from Callen as he let himself relax against the younger man. In that moment it felt as if Deeks was practically holding him up. It was always a surprise how strong Deeks was. It didn't matter the situation he always seemed so unshakable.

One would think that after so many years of being together that Callen would always have that in the back of his head, but that wasn't right. It didn't matter how strong the man was he still wanted to protect the man he loved. Still, he would never not be impressed by the man.

Darting forward Deeks pressed a quick kiss to his lips before taking a step back. With a shake of his head Callen straightened up and looked at the younger man. A serious look stared back at him making him wonder just when he perfected the completely done look.

"Are you ready to hear the truth, Callen?" Deeks signed calmly.

"Sure," Callen replied trying not to show how amused he was.

"Good. The truth is I wouldn't have wanted you there if you tried. Hell, I would have hated it. Hated you."

Callen found himself freezing at that. It wasn't the first time that the man had told him that, but it still hurt. He hated feeling as if he couldn't be there for the people he cared about. Even if they hadn't needed him there.

He knew that he wasn't the best at relationships. For the most part he had no idea what was supposed to happen. There was one thing that he understood even when he felt like he was messing up. You had to be there.

"What?" Callen signed after his mind came back to him.

"You know that I had to prove that I could still do things," Deeks responded looking so put together in that moment, "We've had this part of the conversation already."

"You're right. I know you're right. We have had this conversation before and… If I was there for you more-"

"If you were there more I'm afraid we wouldn't have been able to survive at all. We both messed up, G. There's no doubt about that. And I don't like where we've ended up, but it could have been a lot worse."

"Does that mean you think we can be saved?"

A wide grin bloomed on the younger mans lips as he grabbed the back of Callen's head and pulled him in close. Griping the mans hips he held on tightly as he moved to brush their lips against each other. A hum left Deeks as he stepped closer his arms wrapping around his shoulders so they were pressed together.

"We already are," Deeks muttered against his lips before deepening the kiss.


End file.
